The Binding Blade Abridged (Fe6)
by justaguyonearth
Summary: A world where absolute crack occurs. Roy is the boy who knows what's good. A side project. AU, OOC, and crack. Rated M for foul language and suggestive references.
1. Yo

So, this is my story. My name is Roy. This stupid continent is called Elibe. Shit was happening, and a neighboring country called Bern was being a dick. My pa called me over from Ostia where I was studying, the old geezer.

Anyway, I was on my way back home, Pherae, because the old man said he was being jumped by some bandits. So I went over there as quickly as possible.

"Yo, my dude!" A green haired jackass said.

"Huh? What's good?" Roy said.

"Bro, we are in a battle." The green haired jackass said.

"Aw for real? Damn, I think I spaced out for a second. What is this shitty place called again?" Roy asked.

"Bro, this is your home. Pherae. Why you gotta say it like that?" Green said.

"Oh. My bad, bro." Roy said.

"Hey! You two! Yeah, you two scrawny asses!" A hairy man said.

"Huh? Oh, wassup?" Roy said.

"Imma kill you!" The hairy dude said.

"Nah, B. I got you in my scope!" Red man said.

Red man killed him with a random weeaboo weapon.

"No, ah! Damn! Regret... Clawing at my mind..." Hairy man said.

"Ok. Wait... This is a castle?" Roy asked.

"Oh! My homies! Sup blood?" A chick with blue hair asked.

"Blood? What do mean? I'm a Crip, Blood." Roy said.

"Roy, I raised you as a Blood. We have red hair." Eliwood said.

"Yo, pops. What's happenin?"

"My offspring, I need you to lead our army, even though you're only 15, I trust you." Eliwood said.

"Alright. Am I taking this scrawny bitch with me?" Roy asked.

"Nah, she's going to Ostia." Eliwood said.

"What, for real? This dude..." Lilina said, annoyed.

"Yo, hit me up!" Roy told her.

"Shut up and get your scrawny ass outta here!" Eliwood said.

"Arright, later pops. Wait, where am I going?"

"Some wack place called Araphen. Now leave."

"Arright homie." Roy said. Running away while flicking off Eliwood.

Off I was, to Araphen because my pa said something about joining up with some badass named Hector with a killer beard. Anyway, he was the leader of some Army called the 'Lycia Alliance'. I was supposed to have our army join up with his. To Araphen!

o - o - o - o

 **A/N: Just the intro to something stupid AF. Chapters should be coming regularly. You know why.**

 **UNTIL NEXT TIME**


	2. What's up?

'So I was on my way to Araphen. But I remembered my pa telling me about some sellswords he hired for me. Not that I needed them. They apparently were waiting for me in some village near the border of Pherae and Bern.'

'Oh, and I also got some douchebag who apparently has connections with other douchebags. I think his name was... Merlin? Merlenus? Ah, Merlinus. What kind of name is that?'

"So, this the place we meet up with those idiots right?" Roy asked Merlinus.

"Yep." Merlinus said.

"Huh, ok... Wait, who's that?" Roy noticed a chick dressed as a nun. She bumped into him.

"Ah, I am sorry! I didn't mean to... Wait, you're Roy!" She said.

"No, this is Patrick." Roy said sarcastically.

"Oh praise the Gods in heaven!" She said.

"Uh, sorry ma'am, I'm a Christian, so-" Roy started but was cut off.

"Shut up and listen, my mistress was taken by the enemies in the castle east of here!" She yelled.

"That's hot." Roy said.

"You idiot, not mistress as in a lover, she is nobility!" She yelled again.

"Ok, so uh... Which way is east again?" Roy asked.

The young girl named Ellen pointed to the castle surrounded by enemies.

"Oh... Damn." Roy said.

"Well, I should go kick some ass."

Roy slashed through the enemies, taking them out easily one by one. But then Roy came to a realization.

He was carrying a strange sword that echoed with power. Come to think of it, _he_ felt way stronger too.

"Wow! This feels great! Take this!" Roy slashed at an enemy and the blade was engulfed in flames.

"Whoa, this sword can do that? Damn son, where did I find this? This is going to be lit... Pun intended." Roy said excitedly.

He made it to the boss.

"No! How did...? Wait, just one man!?" He exclaimed.

"Sorry, bud wud, your time is up." Roy said confidently.

"Nooo!" He yelled.

Roy finished him off. His sword was wrapped in flames and it made a satisfying _CLANK!_ Sound.

"Oh, cool. That was all of them." Roy said.

"Roy, we found a woman in the basement of the castle!" Merlinus said.

"Really? Well, that's kinky as hell." Roy said.

"Hey, scrubs." The woman came out of the basement.

"Damn, girl! You lookin like a snack! What's your number?!" Roy asked.

' _Wait, number? Where did that come from?"_

"Idiot! Bow before me, for I am the Princess of Bern!" She said, immediately clamping her hand over her mouth.

"Um... Forget you heard that!" She exclaimed.

Roy stared at her, mouth agape. "Oh shit! You're Guinevere! Wait, you guys are here!? Dammit, gotta keep you hostage then, maybe... For a bargaining chip?"

"No, no! I am actually nice. My brother is wack though, he wants to start a war on humanity."

"Ok."

They left the castle and Roy was wondering where the mercenaries his father hired for them were.

"Uh... Oh...Ouch..." Roy said upon seeing their dead bodies. They carried the crest of Pherae to confirm they were indeed friendly.

"Well... Guess I'm not eating dinner tonight." Roy said.

'Then we went on our way to Araphen. I met the Princess of Bern, who is not only fine as hell, but also... Huh, I don't know what else. Really that is all she is... Huh.'

o - o - o - o

 **A/N: Oh god, this was a terrible idea wasn't it?**

 **UNTIL NEXT TIME**


	3. My name is

'So I finally arrived at Araphen. Apparently, some jerk offs who call themselves the 'Dragon Lords' came to take over Araphen. They killed everyone except Hector, conveniently.'

"So, this is Araphen... Dad was right, this place _is_ pretty wack." Roy said.

He saw the soldiers outside and he knew what to do.

He unsheathed his sword to rain hell upon them.

He made it to the final room in less than a minute.

"No! How can one man do so much!?' The boss asked.

"Because, I am the goddamn son of Eliwood! Die!" Roy yelled out.

Roy cut through him, immediately killing him.

"Lord Roy! We found Hector in the dungeon!" Merlinus said.

"...Really? Why is everyone important being locked in dungeons?" Roy asked.

"...Because... They're important..? Just get your ass over here."

"Mmkay."

Hector had terrible wounds. It didn't look like he would last that much longer.

"Hector? Holy hell, you look like shit!" Roy exclaimed.

"Y-yeah... Don't remind me.." Hector weakly said.

"Hey, listen. You can't die on me! Not on Lilina too! She needs you..." Roy said.

"Ah... Don't worry, she is strong..." Hector said

"But who will lead the-" Roy started

"You."

"Wha?" Roy said, confused.

"You will lead the Lycia Alliance."

"What!? Nah." Roy said.

"Uh. Yeah, you will."

"Dammit..."

"By the way... Bern has Dragons."

"Huh?"

"Yeah. Go to Ostia though. There should be weapons that can kill dragons there." Hector said.

"Wait, slow down. This is a lot to take in..."

"Eh, don't worry." Hector gave a violent cough.

"Heh... Looks like my time is up..."

"...Hector..."

"Eliwood... Lyn...Lilina..."

"Dammit old man! You're going to make me cry! Don't you dare die!" Roy said.

"I... Tried so hard, and got so far... But in the end... It doesn't even matter..." Hector said, closing his eyes.

"...Wait, did you just-" Roy started but was cut off by Hector's last breath.

"Lord Hector... I will avenge you. You have my word. Those bastards will pay." Roy said with determination.

'And so Lord Hector passed. I can only imagine how hard it will be for Lilina... Poor girl. But, I will respect the old man's last request and head to Ostia to lead the Lycia Alliance.'

o - o - o - o

 **A/N: Why am I still updating this? This is so fucking stupid.**

 **UNTIL NEXT TIME**


	4. Roy, I am a

'So I headed out to Ostia. But first I had to pass through this place called Laus. It was a place with beautiful trees, creeks, and majestic animals... As well as a fucked up governor. This guy named Erik was committing treachery and turned to Bern's side. What the hell!? Time to teach him a lesson...'

Roy gave a loud groan. "Merlinus, I don't want to travel through Laus..." He whined.

"Would you like me to carry you, milord?" Merlinus asked sarcastically.

"Hell yes."

"No."

"Ok."

They were close to a village as they saw a plethora of soldiers scattered across the plains.

"Goddamn! They aren't going up against Rambo or anything! Why are there so many soldiers?" Roy asked.

Merlinus rolled his eyes. "Because they were expecting us."

"Oh."

Roy unsheathed his sword, inspecting it menacingly. _'Time to go to work...'_ He thought.

He cut through the enemies like tissue paper. One after the other.

In the middle of the battlefield, he saw a blonde lady perched on a horse. She appeared to be lost.

"That dumbass! How could he leave me here!?" Roy heard her say.

"Excuse me, are you stupid? We are in a battlefield and you're just wandering around aimlessly." Roy said indignantly.

"Idiot. I know that. Are you the asshole who's in charge around here...? Where is your army?" She asked.

"Who?"

"Ah, nevermind. Anyway, I will be joining you. My name is Clarine"

"Kay."

"Hmph, I will not be nice to you."

"Bitch."

Roy slipped past her to slash through a group of enemies.

"Wait! Don't kill the cool one!" Clarine said.

"Huh?" Roy asked.

"Right here. You fighting Bern?" The guy asked.

"Oh, yeah."

"Cool. I will join. Don't get in my way. My name is Rutger." Rutger said.

"Alright. You bitches are staying in the back, lest I accidentally kill you."

"Why?" Clarine asked.

"I literally just said... You know what? Nevermind. I don't care." Roy said.

"Okay."

Roy ignored them and went straight to the boss.

"You! Why do you resist? This world will never be liberated by some crappy traditions! Go suck your mom's titties in hell!"

Roy's eyes flared with anger. "You fucking whore! Don't talk about my mom!!" Roy said with ferocity.

Roy sliced him clean in half in his blind rage.

"Huff! Serves you right!"

Roy conquered the castle. Joining back up with Guinevere for some reason.

"Hey, Roy. What's up?" She asked.

"Oh, nothing. Wanna have sex?" He asked.

Guinevere gagged. "With you? Hell naw! You aren't my type."

"What is your type?" He asked.

"A man. All I see is a little boy." She said.

"You bitch. Fine, your loss. Anyway, I hate Bern." He said.

"Hey! Those are my people you're talking about!" Guinevere said.

"Oh, sorry." Roy said.

"It's cool. Where to next?" She asked.

"Ostia, as we planned. We have to make a stop on the mountains where shit goes on a lot. You know, murder, theft, rape. Lucky us." Roy said with a sigh.

"Right, bye." Guinevere said.

"Okay... I didn't like you anyway!" He yelled to her while she flicked him off.

'So I got rejected. Oh well, maybe Lilina will accept... Anyway, we rested the rest of the day. Tomorrow, we head for the mountains, as that is the best route to Ostia from here. Yipee...'

o - o - o - o

 **A/N: Okay, I really hate this. I am probably gonna stop updating. I'm not feeling it at all. (Shulk I am not.)**

 **UNTIL NEXT TIME (maybe)**


	5. Person, now shut up

' _So, on our way to Ostia_ _using the mountain route, I find something interesting..'_

o - o - o - o

Roy sighed as he decided that the best course of action was to spend the rest of the day as a 'break day.' He would be bored of course.

The rest of the army went to do random stuff away from the tents, probably their strange hobbies.

' _Whatever. I mean... Of course I have interesting things to do, right?'_ He asked, sitting alone in his tent.

"... I should get some fresh air." He said out loud.

And so he did. He took in the sights that he saw... Trees, empty plains... Because what else was there to do?

"Damn... I'm so friggin bored!" He yelled.

Then, after he was about to go back into his tent, he saw something in the sky.

"Huh?" He said as he saw it come towards him.

"Should I be scared, or...?"

As it came closer, he saw that it was in the shape of a box.

"What the hell...?" He said as he saw the strange mechanism helping it... Fly.

A parachute.

As it was just above his head, he recoiled in surprise.

The parachute burned itself and all that was left was the box.

"A care package?" He asked.

He saw a note taped to the side of the box. It read:

 _Dear Roy,_

 _I hope that you find this package useful, you fuckface. I hope you never know the lengths I went through in order to get this stuff. You're welcome._

 _Sincerely: Someone you don't know._

Roy read this note with a mix of anger, surprise, and gratitude.

"Gee, thanks somebody I don't know. I hope you have a fantastic fuckin' day." He said passive-aggressively.

He supposed it was time to open the mystery gift, as his curiosity was killing him enough as it is.

He unsheathed his blade and cut off the the top, revealing it's contents.

He reached inside, grabbing a portable CD player, along with a CD.

He looked at it with curiosity.

"How does this shit work?" He wondered.

He managed to open the tray of the portable CD player, which was of course, empty.

"Hmm..." He took the CD case.

"... Some kind of spellbook?"

He opened the case to find the disc in the same shape as the CD player slot. Putting two and two together, he quickly inserted the disc and closed the tray.

Nothing happened.

He scratched his head with confusion. He then saw the strange shapes on the player, and decided to press one.

Track one started playing.

As he finished the song, he wondered what the hell it was. He didn't know, but he thought it was pretty good.

"What else is in this piece of crap?" He said, turning back to the box as the second track played.

He took out a pair of earbuds. Of course, he didn't know what they were for.

He tossed them aside and continued looking through the contents.

He found a bunch of food supplies, which was good and all, but he was more interested in the weird crap.

As he scanned the box, he found keys.

Car keys, but he had no idea what that was, of course.

"What is this, now?" He pressed the button.

A vehicle materialized right in front of him.

"Whoa... I have no clue what this hunk of junk is..."

Deciding to worry about that later, he continued to rummage through the box.

He took out a strange device. "The... Lucina button?" Roy read.

His curiosity got the better of him, so he just pressed the blue button.

"Huh?!" Roy shot his head upwards, spotting a wormhole directly above him.

"W-whoa!" The young lion exclaimed as he felt something heavy fall on top of him.

The wormhole disappeared.

The weight was gone, but Roy was reluctant to get up, as his muscles were sore, so he just laid there.

"Ah, do you need help?" Roy heard someone say.

Roy looked up and saw the most beautiful person he had ever seen. More than Lilina, more than Guinevere.

Her long flowing blue hair caught his eye, and the tiara hinted towards her social status. He looked at her thighs...

Gods, she was a hottie.

"Y-yes please..." The red haired boy said with embarrassment.

The mystery girl nodded and extended a hand which he pulled himself up with and held on to, not really wanting to let go.

"U-um... Sir?" She asked.

"O-oh... Sorry." Roy said with a blush.

An awkward silence occured, with only the song playing in the background.

"SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

"Ahem." Roy moved to turn off the music player.

"Hey, that wasn't a bad song." The girl said.

"Oh? Heard it before?" He questioned.

"N-no, I don't... Ugh..." She stumbled a bit, falling into Roy's arms.

' _Ah shit, a cliché moment.'_ Roy thought.

They looked into each other's eyes intently and awkwardly.

Both blushed, but Roy spoke up. "...Ah... So, you're not from here I suppose?" He knew it was a dumb question and he knew the answer already, but he had no words.

They separated. "No... I... D-don't..." Her eyes threatened to close.

"You're obviously weary, I should take you to my tent." He said, picking her up in a bridal carry.

"I-I assure you, I can walk on my own!" She said with a blush.

"Nonsense, I will help you." The future marquess insisted.

o - o - o - o

 **Hiiiiii. It's been awhile.**

 **Sooo... Uh...**

 **Why is this back? why are you reading this? Am I dumb? probably.**

 **On a more serious note, I'm sorry for the delay of Story of Legends. (If you read that anyway...) But I'm doin' something for that story. It'll be back in the summer.**

 **In the meantime, I'll have some fun with this story. Muahahahahhaha.**

 **UNTIL NEXT TIME**


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